Down down down

Oh my god my self esteem, motivation and energy is gone---- dead flat lined--------!!!!
Weight gone up, motivation gone!!
And the worst of it nobody understands - hubby just thinks I am annoying, parents just suggest ways i can help myself!! So useful!!
I think theres a way out of this but it ia going to take a view days! Today is day one- eat less, drink peppermint tea and dont dont snack, do some admin so you can proceed in life!! Tidy up abit but rest.
Day two is keep eating less, dont snack and get some excersize!! And declutter something and do yet more admin.
Wow my life is so exciting!!? Problem is i dont know how to move it out from there! What am i supposed to do put a firecracker up my backside!? Uh no!!!

Action hero

Action hero is something that I am not blatantly, overweight, a woman, blond, a bit dumb, and well the point to this right now is that i am quite lazy!! This is not like I want to be lazy! I dont think I used to be lazy but over the years, drinking too much, enjoying doing nothing too much and having someone who also enjoys doing nothing as your husband really doesnt help. You see my thinking is that if u feel that you are going through a blip then the best thing to do is get a project, keep busy, even if it is something simple. Like me for instance today i caught up with emails and admin. And i felt better I felt like even though it was something insignificant I had achieved something!!! Pathetic really!!
But at least it was something after that we ate and watched tv and then it started again the mundune feeling of unachieving something. So yes i may have learnt to not stoo during the day and to make sure i keep busy but motivating myself to do that and for my darling hubby to do that is tricky!!! Although things could be on the up, he is looking forward in the right way!!!
So tomorrow we are off away for a few nights to celebrate wedding anniversary! Then i am going to come home and be motivated towards the next section of my life with the right intentions and goals in my heart!! No I am not confident or cocky but I am going to try. If my other half gives me the space to do it and gives me the time not to have worry about HIM!!! WOW that would be great, dont get me wrong he is lovely (now he wasnt always) but i always have to worry about what he doing and how he is feeling! Very frustrating, seems we have forgotten to be individuals!!! Maybe thats a conversation i need to have this week.
So what else.....well I think I am lonely!! Got a hubby, parents, some friends but it just doesnt quite seem enough. Sad really that i have to reach into a cyber world to find somewhere to share my thoughts not that i ever expect someone to read it, seems like blogging isnt as simple as just expressing yourself yo the rest of the world its another commercialised aspect of this deteriorating world! Doesnt mean mine has to keep deteriorating. And no shock horror i cant spell.

the end of this day

Hubby in bed and here i am trying to sort out some admin wondering why!? I mean my life has little purpose so why am I trying to make a purpose - there is not control so why bother!? well I suppose cos I am not a complete waste of space and I do actually want to get somewhere and that I am not totally ready to give up yet! this health 'blip' is yes demanding, painful, upsetting and life digesting and I have no idea if there is life after blip, OK I don't mean that in a actual life after blip - of course I am not dying after this blip but I would change the whole of my life if this blip does not go the way I want it too! Which it hasn't done in over a year so not sure that it will now. OK too negative!
Do you know when I was five I stood on my classroom stool and asked 'why me' it does seem funny 30 years later that I have not changed at all!
I just realised that watching shit tv is great but if you watch something particularly heart wrenching that it can take you down a little bit further into your black dark hole! OK so it was 'good cop' but my god I wanted him to remain good and sane and not go down the dark side of life. Sucker for a good man! And always wanted to be in the police.... don't think they would have me with a caution for abh! oh well move over police career it is back to the bin. See I actually do have a career I just haven't managed to stomp my feet in its lawn yet cos of my blip! Another career I would have liked was dive master but you see I am fat and fat people don't go down well in slim peoples worlds well sorry maybe I should re-phrase that cos obviously fat people do go down faster but you know what I mean.
And who is you? I am not writing this with any expectation that someone somewhere gives a crap, cos i don't give a crap if it is read. but it is my vent and a place of solitude and an unspoken rule that my husband cant read it, and as he is the only one who knows about it I hardly think it is going to read!
In the back of my mind though is the fact that I have to actually try and sleep tonight and that terrifies me! oh the pain of sleep - when you wake up the next day and bloody hell look at that nothing has changed - you haven't automatically lost five stone, gained a child, some lovely savings, long hair, cute nails, and a wonderfully splendidly clean house! oh fuck back to the depression then, shush did someone say that word. OK so maybe I am a bit down - like my husband tries explaining it to me - nothing in your life is going the way you want it to and it is not surprising that you feel a bit crap about it! blip x 2 is that what we are saying?!
I suppose the fact is I came on here to get into letting off some steam but also learn from others about their lives - problem is I cant find any other blogs - its like I have not search area etc!
Just have to keep on keeping on! There is not much room for choice/option so I have none, I may moan, cry even but I am not giving up - not till the fat lady sings and I ain't so on it goes!

Annoyance!!!

Whats the single most annoying thing in my life? Um that takes some thinking!!!!
I think it is my lack of ability to organise my existance on this planet!!! I mean i look back over my life and see that when i was younger i did lots of random, cool and not so cool things!!! But most had some sort of adventure tied into them. Now other than holidays and city breaks which i love it is pretty bloody mundane.
I mean when I broke up with boyfriends or fell out with mates I would pack my bag and trott off on to a plane! - israel, france - in a car to wales, down south. Fun exciting.... Now i am sat having to clean the house, feed the pets, not purposely fall out with people cos i am bored and fed up(something i regulary struggle with).
I keep thinking when i have over come these battles that are on going at the moment then life will be simple....  but it never is is it?

George gently

Well you would think that when ur family acknowledge that you are not feeling happy in your mind they would try and help!!! But my parents well they made me discuss a huge argument that they had been having! Which was extremely stressful and heated to say the least!!! But it did get resolved by me as always. You would think that after over 45 years of marriage they would at least be able to resolve their arguments or would have learnt to give and take. Not that any marriage should pertain to be perfect as if that happens in my opinion a marriage will most surely die!!
My parents use me as a go between sometimes which is quite frustrating but sometimes it can be quite entertaining!!!
Life is never simple life is often complex! No matter who you are....

Change

So another start of another week and I am hoping that this is the week where things finally bloody change! So many groud hogs weeks! I finally want this to be it! The cogs have been turning and both hubby and I want things to change it is just hard to put things in to motion! Especially when in a complete rut!!!
When I say change I dont mean between me and him as we are more in love now than ever but we do spend to much time together!!! Change means less alcohol, more doing and achieving stuff and more purpose in life! I dont want to be a hamster in a wheel!!
Fact is I want a be skiny, successful, popular, and proud of my life!!!!
Oh well suppose that will have to wait cats been sick on my gym mat!!!

Day one

Second time starting a blog! Not sure of my purpose this time other than to relieve some stress!! I suppose u need to have many avenues of relief in life and writing to nobody could possibly fill that hole!!
I am going to have to research what blog etiquette actually is and get used to blogging on my phone!!! Had failed attempt already tonight which did not do my soul any good!!!