Hubby in bed and here i am trying to sort out some admin wondering why!? I mean my life has little purpose so why am I trying to make a purpose - there is not control so why bother!? well I suppose cos I am not a complete waste of space and I do actually want to get somewhere and that I am not totally ready to give up yet! this health 'blip' is yes demanding, painful, upsetting and life digesting and I have no idea if there is life after blip, OK I don't mean that in a actual life after blip - of course I am not dying after this blip but I would change the whole of my life if this blip does not go the way I want it too! Which it hasn't done in over a year so not sure that it will now. OK too negative!
Do you know when I was five I stood on my classroom stool and asked 'why me' it does seem funny 30 years later that I have not changed at all!
I just realised that watching shit tv is great but if you watch something particularly heart wrenching that it can take you down a little bit further into your black dark hole! OK so it was 'good cop' but my god I wanted him to remain good and sane and not go down the dark side of life. Sucker for a good man! And always wanted to be in the police.... don't think they would have me with a caution for abh! oh well move over police career it is back to the bin. See I actually do have a career I just haven't managed to stomp my feet in its lawn yet cos of my blip! Another career I would have liked was dive master but you see I am fat and fat people don't go down well in slim peoples worlds well sorry maybe I should re-phrase that cos obviously fat people do go down faster but you know what I mean.
And who is you? I am not writing this with any expectation that someone somewhere gives a crap, cos i don't give a crap if it is read. but it is my vent and a place of solitude and an unspoken rule that my husband cant read it, and as he is the only one who knows about it I hardly think it is going to read!
In the back of my mind though is the fact that I have to actually try and sleep tonight and that terrifies me! oh the pain of sleep - when you wake up the next day and bloody hell look at that nothing has changed - you haven't automatically lost five stone, gained a child, some lovely savings, long hair, cute nails, and a wonderfully splendidly clean house! oh fuck back to the depression then, shush did someone say that word. OK so maybe I am a bit down - like my husband tries explaining it to me - nothing in your life is going the way you want it to and it is not surprising that you feel a bit crap about it! blip x 2 is that what we are saying?!
I suppose the fact is I came on here to get into letting off some steam but also learn from others about their lives - problem is I cant find any other blogs - its like I have not search area etc!
Just have to keep on keeping on! There is not much room for choice/option so I have none, I may moan, cry even but I am not giving up - not till the fat lady sings and I ain't so on it goes!
No comments:
Post a Comment